This is another one that slots into “obvious”, but I’ve just read the list of winners at the NME Awards, and what a load of steaming shite it is. No awards even for Maxïmo Park, who are one of the few vaguely interesting bands in that scene. Shocker.

Instead, all the awards went to the immensely overhyped Arctic Monkeys. In five years we’ll all be saying, “who?”, just like The Strokes. How can such a bland band have the fastest selling album ever? Well, it comes with the territory — Hear’Say used to hold the record.

If you mapped humans on a scale of ‘barely evolved’ to ‘genius’, would you put Ian Brown, who has spent his entire life doing a prolonged chimp impression, anywhere near the ‘genius’ end? And then stick a ‘GODLIKE’ in front of the word?? Kids, it only encourages him.

Hero of the Year was awarded to Bob Geldof. I just vomited. Meanwhile NME.com was voted Best Website. I can’t help feeling that it might have had a slight advantage…

Sexiest Man went to Pete Doherty. Being incapably off your face is so hott. And Best Dressed went to Ricky Wilson, even though he dresses like a tramp. Cos poor is cool, right?