I have only been an adult for three weeks, but I think I am well on the way towards becoming a grumpy old man. Something happened this Easter that annoyed me quite a lot. Some parents actually gave their children gifts at Easter time.

Fuck off! As far as I am concerned, Easter is for chocolate eggs and nothing else. In my day, all I got was chocolate eggs. I remember getting quite a lot of eggs, mind. And maybe I got some money as well. I can’t really remember. But that was all I got. Nowadays kids seem to get bloody toys and everything.

I even saw one website suggesting that some parents who “wanted to give their children something more special than Easter eggs” would be buying PlayStation 3s for their children’s Easter. For fuck’s sake! These kids will grow up thinking scarce commodities fall into their hands directly from God’s anus (or the Easter Bunny, whatever) at the click of a finger.

Soon enough we will have bossy kids going around wailing their heads off whenever they don’t get what they want. And the weakling parents will cave in and get them what they want anyway. Brilliant. A generation of Little Miss and Mr Bossy Boots will be running the fucking country in thirty for forty years time. As if our leaders weren’t already bossy enough.

People in this country point at places like China and say, “Ooh, look at all those Little Emperors.” Well I think some parents need to take a bloody look at the Little Emperors they are bringing up themselves.

It seems as though some weakling parents are a bit too desperate to be the best parents in the world. And of course, it only takes one of these parents to get an idea in their head. Of course, they will have some hints whispered into their ear from toy-making firms. A sign is hanging in the shop window, “The perfect gift for Easter!” splashed across a picture of a PS3.

I can see the evil parents’ thoughts now. “My little angel is the best little angel in the world. To show her how special she is, I will buy her a PS3! And then she will love me and look after me well in my old age!”

After the Easter break in the school playground, the kids are discussing their Easter eggs. Then Little Miss Bossy Boots pipes up. “Chocolate? Pah! I got a PlayStation 3 for Easter!”

The other kids then become jealous, then go home and tell their parents how the normal thing to do is buy an exorbitantly expensive games console for Easter. Parents are then guilted into buying ever more impressive presents as the years go by. The entire trend spreads around the country and that is us stuck in consumerism hell forever.

In 2006 Tarquin got a PSP.
In 2007 Henry got a PS3.
In 2009 Bobby from the council estate will get a fucking bloody HDTV from guilty parents who can’t afford it.

If I ever have kids — which I won’t — I will give them mud for Easter. That will teach them that luxury goods are earned and not given to the kid that throws the biggest tantrum or guilt trip.